First and foremost, you need to resolve to yourself that you want to get better. This is one of the hardest things to do, but it’s the most crucial.
If you’re like me, you’ll have to fight this battle over and over again because when that depression takes hold it’s hard to shake off and feels like it leaves you back where you started. Feelings of dread and worthlessness leave you as a husk of your former self. It’s hard to remember that you wanted to get better, or that you even have a mental illness in the first place, because maybe I really am just weak and worthless, right? Maybe it’s actually part of who I am and I’m just blaming some illness I don’t have?
Those black thoughts swirl around in my subconsciousness, poisoning me slowly, making me forget myself. The lines blur between me and what is the dark depression of the bipolar disorder. I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know anything anymore.
This is where we stop and breathe. Take a deep breath and close your eyes. Exhale. Good. Now do it again.
You are not your illness. Having bipolar disorder, or any mental health condition for that matter, does not define who you are. It is not everything you are. I think of my bipolar disorder as like a part of my shadow; it is a part of me that changes form and depth as the hours tick by, that sometimes blurs and seemingly becomes a living, breathing part of me, and at other times stands in stark contrast as an imitation of my life.
Depression can sometimes weaken your resolve to be better and warp your perspectives till nothing remains but numbness. It creates a powerful dystopian illusion of your world and replays it to you enough times to convince you that it is true. But when our thoughts are clear, our real truths are what we have committed to being.
I don’t care what you do. Write it down, tattoo it on your arm, make it a daily conscious thought that you actively engage in, but repeat this (or your own variation of this). Every. Damn. Day.
I want to get better. I want more out of life than this illness is limiting me to. I can do better and I will.
Make your reasons clear. You are doing this for yourself, any loved ones, or just simply because you want to see where life leads you.
When your depression is telling you to kill yourself and tries to drag you down into that fucking hole, you think of your reasons. Even if it’s just that you want to know that this life can get better, that you are better than you ever thought possible, that you have resolved and are capable of being stronger than you ever knew, those are reasons enough to try.
If for nothing else, do it for you. Your depression can go fuck itself.
This crosses my mind almost every day.
I hope this was helpful to someone out there.
Thanks for reading.